You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
