I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
