The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
