Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
