he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Church boner. Awkwardddd
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
