I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
