the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
