Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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