Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
