theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
