Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
