How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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