I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My penis needs a shock collar
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
