Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You ate ashes out of my bong
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
