he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
