i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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