does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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