I wish I could teleport
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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