a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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