It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize