i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
