I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
50% drunk capacity currently
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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