Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
