I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
