Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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