if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
