You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
