VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize