He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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