She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
