Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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