omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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