I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My cat gives me a boner
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
