...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
