i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Barsexuality is the new black.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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