Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
