You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
