Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
