Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize