if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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