I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
