She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
