Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
