i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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