I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you win again, gameday.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
