You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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