Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
