I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
