Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
