I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need a beard to bite.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
