people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
