I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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