chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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