o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
