I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
