Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
