My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize