mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
