I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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